Backstory: A year or so ago, I was becoming closer with a friend through instant message and we talked a lot about bisexuality and she was so confident and interesting when that term was still new to me. I confessed my "love" for her in a moment of blushing passion and she told me she did not feel that way towards me. I felt devasted for half a millisecond until I realized that I wasn't actually madly in love with her.
Flash forward to the other day when we drinking together. When our other friend was out of the room, she asked me about the incident because she had been in that pining situation and didn't want to hurt me and such. I was caught a little off guard and muttered a little bit of nonsense about not needing to worry in my not-quite-sober state. We moved on and had a great night. The next night I lay in bed thinking about it and my mind was racing and I felt the need to really think it through and send her a message with my functioning brain. I knew I would never be able to sleep until I sent it, so I ran and got my computer. (sidenote: the same exact thing is happening right now a la this post.)
I wanted to share that message in a public place (with some personal information omitted) because I think I did a pretty good job of defining a little aspect of myself and what is this blog for if not defining myself? Here goes.
Hey, I wanted to soberly answer your question. I've been laying awake thinking out my words so I have to send it now or I'll never fall asleep. You have nothing to be concerned about, but you're really really awesome for asking. Basically, I have this thing where it's really hard for me to distinguish between positive attention (verging on flirtation) and the person behind it. This is the entire reason that my first relationship happened. You were one of the first girls around my age that talked openly and confidently about bisexuality and stuff in general with me at a time when I was defining myself with newly discovered terms and it was exciting. You were exciting. And I wanted a lady love SO bad that I was grasping at straws in a way? Also, one of my deepest wishes is to have a BFF-turned-lover story. So sometimes I try to fabricate one. Another (giant) layer of the onion that is me is that I HARDCORE friendcrush. Like way stronger than I have ever lovecrushed as of yet. I haven't really had a real boyfriend/girlfriend yet so I can't really tell the difference in how attraction works for me. Like, I'd totally be down to bang/date 90% of my friends. It's just how I am, I think. The hormonal makeout parties were like, my FAVORITE thing. And I miss them. I JUST REALLY WANT TO MAKE OUT ALL THE TIME, OKAY? And like, when you kiss me (or when anyone [or mostly anyone] does), I like it. A lot. It's exciting in a life of NO actual action. And if that makes you uncomfortable, I TOTALLY understand. Completely. I just always walk the fine line of do I wanna be best friends or soulmates or fuck buddies with this person? And it's usually all of the above. So in short, yeah I think you're attractive and hot and I'd be down to date you, but I'm definitely not pining over you (or anyone) (except an ellusive anyone I guess) and I hope that answers your question?
So yeah, I love trying to put words on my angst and maybe it will resonate with someone? Now, angel of sleepy dust, take me away.