i just want to make out.

I feel fucked by my youth--who doesn't?--but here's my poison. I was not popular as a kid. Didn't really make friends, felt like a loser among all the "cool" popular kids. I would seek basic approval and not usually receive it. I was chubby, lame clothes, glasses, book worm. Absolutely no romantic reciprocation in the midst of my fellow 5th and 6th graders constantly making out and being scandalous in whatever way they could find. I'm still very young, but even as an almost-19-year-old, I can count on less than one hand the people who have shown any sort of interest in me, romantically or sexually. I'm not looking for true love right now or even a relationship, but I demand the fun that is allowed, nay required, of youth. GUYZ I JUST WANNA MAKE OUT, OKAY? Like all the time. With anyone. 

I mean, I've had experience and dabbled in all the scandalous youth things--sex, drugs, and rock n roll--but I'd like to make them a slightly more consistent part of my lifestyle. When I was an early teen, my fellow theatre geeks would come over for slumber parties often and it was all make out all the time--truth or dare, would you rather, spin the bottle, "let's just practice"--and it was my favorite thing. But then we grew up and it wasn't "right". We saw each other less, some people had relationships, they were interested in alcohol and drugs... The age of innocent hormonal messing around was over. And god, I fucking miss it. I want to be doing fun things with my body, just for fun! And also literally PRACTICE. I want to be a good kisser and I still have no idea what I'm doing. Also, it's been a year and a half since I have kissed anyone, romantically or in a game or whatever. It's all so silly--putting mouths together, and I want it to be less of a deal for me. I have plenty of theories and opinions and thoughts but NO experience to back it up. I see people with cool attitudes and opinions about sex and liberation and feminism and stuff but it feels hollow coming from me.

So anyway, besides 3 boys and some nice (sometimes creepy?) people on subways and street corners, I am NOT used to attention. Meanwhile, in the past few years, I feel like I've really blossomed into my coolness. Unschooling especially, because it's allowed me to do some kick-ass things and develop some sweet attitudes. Plus I really like my fashion and style--wacky and odd, but fun and cool. It works. And I hear that feedback from people and I love it. So I also have this "hell yeah, I'm fucking awesome!" mindset. And I have a lot of qualities that I find appealing and attractive, so why doesn't anyone else? So whenever there's a glimmer of something or even when people ask if I'm dating anyone these days, I instantly have this internal tennis match of "hahhahaahhaha why would anyone want me? don't be ridiculous" and "why in hell NOT?" and "ARE YOU SERIOUS??" and "it's about fucking time" and "if Lena Dunham can make it happen, why can't I?"

I just want to have experiences--good, bad, boring, whatever--NOW so when the real time comes, I don't feel so choked up and surprised. I just don't want to feel utterly shocked that I am an attractive being. Any takers?

xoxoleah

Comments

[Soggyinportland.wordpress.com]

I will let you in on a secret. Almost EVERYONE feels this way at your age and no one is really having as much fun or sex as they claim to be at any age.

Don't force it. You're young and very beautiful. The right boys and/or girls will come along very soon.